By Eva Marie Woywod
[email protected] I had just taken a shower and plopped down on my bed to type out an article for a looming deadline day. I was in a bit of a rush, so much to do and so little time to do it in. My mind was racing because I knew my estranged husband had been on a 3-day weekend binge. Those threatening phone calls told me all I needed to know. Just as I started typing out my article I heard the front door open. Something inside me told me I needed to click audio record on my laptop. To this day I am grateful for trusting my intuition during a time I really had a hard time trusting anyone, let alone myself. August 13, 2007 changed my life, it changed my children's’ lives, and it most definitely changed the life of the man I once believed was my Prince Charming, my soul mate. The hour plus audio captured on my laptop documented an assault that will forever be etched into my memory. It was the day I was physically, emotionally and sexually assaulted by the man I vowed to love and stay loyal to for the rest of my life. It was the day our two young sons witnessed their father do unspeakable acts to their mother. It was the day my youngest son, my baby boy, grabbed a baseball bat and wielded it on the man he so once respected and looked up to and all while his older brother attempted to pry his father off of me. Somehow we managed to escape but not before the damage was done. I grabbed my sons, my clothing, and that laptop. We rushed to the car and headed to the police station. I could still feel his hands around my throat. I could still see his face twisted in rage and I could still hear his words echoing in my mind. Flanked by my sons I walked into the local police station. I am sure I looked a mess. When greeted by an officer I already knew on a professional level, I produced my laptop and expressed that I was just sexually assaulted by my husband and I captured it all in an audio file. I was emotionless for myself. I couldn’t cry. I wasn’t mad. I was in shock even though there was a part of me mourning the man he used to be, or at least, the man I once convinced myself he was - a fantasy. Lieutenant Jackson took the laptop while an officer pulled me into their break room. My boys sat in another room and were speaking to another officer. As I was filling out the report I could hear what I had just experienced echo through the hallways of the station. I could hear my screams, I could hear my whimpers, and my pleadings. I could hear my children's’ screams as they begged their father to stop, “you’re raping my mom!” screamed my eldest who at the time was just 13 years old. “I got him,” screamed my then 9-year-old baby boy as he hit his father on the back with the bat. The whack was audible. It then hit me, everyone in that station was listening to me living a nightmare. Everyone was hearing me being assaulted in ways no man should ever do, especially to the woman he vowed to honor and cherish. I wanted to die. Needless to say the evidence I had of the crime we had just suffered was enough for a conviction. My abuser received 8 years in the Wisconsin Department of Corrections and 6 years of extended supervision. He now carries the label of a registered sex offender. The boys and I carry the hearts of being survivors of domestic violence and know that marital rape is a very real and violent crime. My experience with marital sexual assault taught me lessons. Prior to that assault I was already a survivor of child sexual assault and sexual assault as an adult. All sexual assaults are crimes and all leave wounds that must be tended to and cared for. Marital rape, often now called intimate partner sexual assault, along with incestuous sexual assault, leave yet additional scars as the trust you once had for someone you loved is now shattered in pieces - there’s a gaping hole left in the wake and often is filled with self blame and guilt. The assault I suffered was blatant but that is not always the case. Often times the abuse of power and control is far more subtle much like any form of domestic violence can be. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), intimate partner sexual violence can occur in all types of intimate relationships regardless of gender identities or sexual orientation. Intimate partner sexual violence is not defined by gender or sexuality, but by abusive behavior. They go on to state- Sexual violence in a relationship is rarely an isolated incident. It often occurs alongside other forms of abusive behavior, including physical and emotional abuse. For instance, the majority of women who are physically assaulted by an intimate partner have been sexually assaulted by that same partner. Intimate partner sexual violence often starts with controlling behavior that can escalate to further emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Warning Signs of abuse include a partner who: *Attempts to cut you off from friends and family *Is extremely jealous or upset if you spend time away from them *Insults you, puts you down, says that you can never do anything right *Tries to prevent you from attending work or school *Tries to prevent you from making decisions for yourself *Destroys your property, attempts to harm your pets *Threatens to harm your children or take them away from you *Tells you that you are worthless and that no one else could ever love you *Controls your finances Sexual abuse includes: *Forcing the victim to dress in a sexual way *Manipulating the victim into having sex or performing sexual acts *Insulting the victim in sexual ways or calling the victim sexual names *Holding the victim down during sex *Demanding sex when the victim is hurt, sick or tired *Hurting the victim with weapons or objects during sex *Forcing the victim to watch pornography *Involving other people in sexual activities against the victim’s will *Ignoring the victim’s feelings regarding sex *Purposely trying to pass along a sexually transmitted disease to the victim Another form of sexually aggression is,sexual coercion. This involves one party persuading or forcing the other to make sexual contact. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that nearly two-thirds of women who reported being raped, physically assaulted, or stalked since age 18 were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, boyfriend, or date, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey, 2000. The same survey found that approximately 1.5 million women and 834,700 men are raped and/or physically assaulted by an intimate partner each year. Among women who are physically assaulted or raped by an intimate partner, one in three is injured. Each year, more than 500,000 women injured as a result of intimate partner violence require medical treatment. Among women who are physically assaulted or raped by an intimate partner, one in three is injured. Each year, more than 500,000 women injured as a result of intimate partner violence require medical treatment. The health related costs of intimate partner rape, physical assault, and stalking exceed $5.8 billion each year, nearly $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health care services, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States Available on-line at: http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/pub-res/ipv_cost/ipv.htm.
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February 2020
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